Midlife crisis or some other dumb thing

Eugene, a 36-year-old man from Austin, Texas, was in great pain and losing a dangerous amount of blood. His journey turned out to be not the greatest idea after all, when he was lying on top of what seemed to be a 50ft tall wooden mushroom. Some sort of alien giant grasshopper sliced his left leg clean off. He travelled to some planet near the center of the galaxy, by bike, to get a clear head and for some sightseeing, as he would tell his wife and kids back home.

“Where can I find the nearest flea market? I’d like to sell my extra shoe.”, he asked a passerby, but the individual was wearing space-headphones and couldn’t hear him.

“Please, I need to sell my shoe, now that my left leg is cut off, can you direct me to the nearest flea market, perhaps?”, he tried his luck again with a local bum trespassing on his mushroom. But the bum was a total asshole and laughed at him, while attempting to steal the aforementioned shoe. It was a fruitless attempt.

“Dear lady, would you kindly show me the way to the flea market, as I’m in dire need of a buyer for my as of now utterly useless shoe.”, he asked in a clear and friendly manner, as an elderly woman with what seemed to be her grandchild passed him. The woman stopped and looked at him with big eyes. It seemed as if she tried to tell him exactly where the next flea market was, but unfortunately her mouth was full of bread and cheese and he could not understand a word.

“I sincerely beg your pardon, Miss, if you could be so kind as to stow upon me your infinite wisdom again, regarding the location of the nearest flea market.”, Eugene managed to come up with. Something in his words seemed to upset the lady, as some of the bread and cheese crumbled out of her mouth right onto her grandchild. The grandchild did not like this at all and rolled its eyes backwards, revealing a tattooed middle finger on the back of its eyeballs.

It was at this moment that Eugene lost his conciousness. He died shortly after, leaving behind his beautiful 30-year-old wife Mady and their two adorable and totally unproblematic 6-year-old twins Emma and Porkfest.

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Posted in Short Stories

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