Why you should die in Fiji and five fun ways to do it

If people think of Fiji, they usually think beautiful beaches, crystal clear water and relax days sipping coconut milk and eating exotic fruits. Well, that certainly is an option – if you want to be a boring asshole. Fiji also is a great place to die for the ambitious traveler, here’s ten amazing ways to do it.

5. Contract AIDS from unprotected anal sex with a bull shark.
Bull sharks are all around Fiji and they are horny as fuck. They don’t think twice about using condoms, so they all carry several traits of nice HIV for you to take home to share with your friends and family. Rated 10 Stars!

4. Contract bird flu from performing cunnilingus on exotic birds
Fiji’s birdlife is notriously amazing and those birds are not shy at all. Get in there and lick that cloaca until you can’t feel your tongue anymore! Rated 8 out of 10 horny birds!

3. Get cannibalized by a herd of German backpackers
Those fucking Germans are everywhere. And they are hungry and scrimpy, so they’ll eat everyone they can get their hands on. Pro tip: try to get raped first too! Rated 5 Stars on cannibal-holocaust.de!

2. Rupture vital internal organs by rectally inserting a massive sea shell
The picturesque beaches of Fiji are filled with beautiful, gigantic sea shells. Moronic people use them as souvenirs, but the smart traveler knows all about the pleasures of gently pushing them up the rear end. Do it now! Why wait? Rated 8 Stars by leading proctologists!

And our number one choice…

1. Drink the tap water
Whether it comes from rusty pipes, a tank full of dog poo or straight out of the ocean, drinking the tap water will make you pleasantly, violently ill. It’s fun to get a shit ton of bacteria in your system which will tickle you gently while they rape your insides. Die covered in shit and puke and stay hydrated doing it! Rated 100 raging diarrheas on ratemypoo.com!


Professional circus clown turned Liberal Arts major and anarchist.

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